… Itchy. | Cuento, In Inglich (Humor)

I was thinking about the day that a peculiar surprise appeared in my life, which changed it all: it broke the relationship with my girlfriend; lose my job; my friends avoided me, all what it takes to be rejected from your social environment. Who would know the consequences from an adventurous, passionate and savage night? That´s I’m writing this text, for you own safety,; but do not fear, or laugh, about what it develops on the next part of this chronicle, ‘cause this infection is the most uncomfortable issue above all.

You can handle it, though.

I could.

By the way, sorry for my lousy language, I can only extend my ideas among swearings, and a Swiss army of anacoluthons.

I was at a party with my best friends, drank a lot of rum, suiting my best clothes, smiling like a cute dumbass; wore my favorite sandals, white-and-orange shorts, combining them with my magnificent pink Hawaiian t-shirt. God almighty, that rum was fuckingly strong. Yup, surely was cheap, but a Coke fixes it easily, yes, making a delicious but risky “Cubana”. Therefore, without difficulty, I got very drunk, decomposing my face by laughing like an idiot, just for the stupid jokes of my friend Ben. After all, this is the good and nice part of my story; well, my misadventure.

And I drank and drank.

My friends told me that there was a cuttie around this wonderful party.

A woman…

I love females, of course, as an alpha male I ought to do it, so that´s why I began to search for her. Sam, my best friend, who is not the motherfucking Ben, told me that she was on sofa drinking martinis in complete loneliness, so the picture can’t be more perfect. Martinis, a sofa, and a pretty woman: perfection. Thus, with a hunter’s eye, seeking for fresh meat, I found the prey, she was situated on that comfy place made of leather.  Though she had an unexpected pale face, angelic, I may say, portraiting her big cherry lips, perhaps too erotic for her own sake, and the archetypal minimalistic red dress, somewhat that combined with the astonishing raven hair.

Damn, she was sitting in that particular sexy pose, showing her sinner’s legs, made directly from a motherfuckingly hell, just for the purpose to commit hundreds of adulterer crimes. What could I do? I couldn´t resist that flawless chick on a leathery pedestal, I needed to do something, so I did what I ought to: Sit beside her, like a man.

Instantly, I made a funny conversation; nervous, shot some silly-billy-nilly jokes, although she was very receptive. Yeah. She persuaded me to tell some weird stories from my past that I wouldn’t dare to tell to anyone, making the conversation even more deeply. That mysterious beautiful never told me something about her life though.

Meanwhile, I was babbling too much, for fuck’s sake, I knew she was now seducing me, and I tried too, though like a buggered amateur,  and I finally fell in her diabolic plans. She didn’t hesitate and sweetly asked “Sugar, why don´t we go somewhere private, huh?” and, sure! I dumbly answered “Whatever ma cherie hot mamma says, it’s an order…!”, before finishing the last words, she shut me with one of her pretty fingers. Damn, I tried to be frenchly nasty. Afterward, we went to the respective private place and, without condom, we had super-duper savage wild-on sex.

“Yeah, I got laid tonight, guys!”, I thought.

We took many hours, forgetting everything about my life, my personal feelings about the girl I’ve ever loved a – forgetting that we weren´t in our house. Of course, at this point, everything should be fine but wait for the next part.

I woke up at a time that I don´t remember actually, it was cloudy. Nobody was there with me, “Where’s my lady”, I thought. Naked and alone, I was sitting on that damningly comfortable bed. Well, the lady left without saying goodbye or making a lousy noise, or something like that. I surrendered to my pessimistic feelings and left that place, trying to think positively “That was a really nice nicely night”, though that moment wasn’t nice, at all. It was shitty, embarrassing.

“But I got laid”, confirmed myself.

Later on, as the routine dictates, I went to work with the last outfit that I used for the party, still smelling the alcohol, cigars, and sex. I was just two hours late when I felt something on my… Thing.


My dick was itchy.

Anyway, I focused only on working and scratching my personal parts, like the professional office man I am. Then it soared; later and later more painful and scratchy. I decided to went to the restroom and when I take a leak, to pee… Holy mother of Jesus, something reddish and disgusting I saw.

What was that painfully bubble on my cute average-sized cock? I didn´t know, so for my ignorance, I was scared. Of course, I went to the doctor, took out my penis, touched it, whoosh it, almost swallow it, and finally, he said to me this “Mr. Willson, you have herpes”. My life completely changed. Now I know that every time I have sex, I need to be careful, use always condom and, like the chess, “Think before you move”.

Nevertheless, the real problem wasn’t a simple but nasty venereal disease, no fellas, the thing it’s that those little red motherfuckers spread around my body, even in my thoughts and emotions; they covered all! Literally.

But there’s more, yes: now those commie dudes disappeared. No, the meds didn’t really take any positive effects on them… It was different from any other illness… This wasn’t temporary, this was like a huge motherfucking infection. It mutated in me. You can see like this, right, normal shitty guy, kinda looser but the one who can pay the checks, though nothing like you can see. Or think. Perceive.

I was a ghoul. One day Tristana confessed to me that. Now I can’t fucking eat potato chips, drink beer, rum with Coke, or whatever. I can’t even fuck with normal chics again. Damn fucking… Shit. Herpes my ass. Yeah. Literally. I had them on my ass. Now I know they were ghoulish symptoms. Disgusting shit.

What the fuck can I do now? Advice to you, people, don’t fuck with every slut you see, she or he can be an infectator, grab your lousy dick or ass and fuck entirely your ass. Sometimes I can hear her voice calling for me… And hurts when I don’t follow my instincts to her.

Am I her slave? Hell no!

So, guys, girls, USE CONDOM, you can’t believe how miraculously protect you even from this disease. Tomorrow I may visit that hot woman who ruined my life. Yeah. I may even fuck here one last time, although it will be her last fuck for sure.

Yes. Yes. Like that weird anime I saw once on Netflix.


Fucking yes.

PS: Surprising shit, huh? You wouldn’t imagine that ending, right? Whether or not you believe all this shit, I am telling you, this isn’t awesome, at all; I am not super strong or beautiful, just a little bit more than usual.  And as I told you, I am the same stud but with more allergies: human food and human skin.


PS 2: I told you that I lose my job, right? I did, but I have a new one, with my new community. They are all mad. Jesus fucking Christ.

Shit number TWO.

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